Thursday, May 04, 2006

how long more...?

it's hard to believe that it's been about 3 weeks since everything has been messed up... for me this past week has been hell... everyday i think about him, there's not a one day that i don't hink about him... being friends is so much harder than he thinks it will be... maybe easy for him cause he doesn't even like me any more... but for me... thinking about him and the times we shared... brings tears to my eyes...

sometimes i wonder to myself... why has this happened to me? did i do something wrong in my life... and now this is my punishment...? if it is... then i really feel sorry for my friend at work... she has loved this guy for 3 years straight and so far... he's cheated on her and broke up with her 3 times... and when she's get about to get over him... he comes back into her life and messes things up for her again... thinking about what she must have gone through compared to mine seems insignificant... like a pencil dot and a piece of A3 paper...

just talking to him... was like the highlight of the day... even though i got woken up by him... i still feel happy to be able to talk to him... but i'm afraid if i do start talking to him again... all these feelings might slowly come back and haunt me... i'm really scared of getting hurt by guys again... this reminds me of how my ex might feel... i feel so sorry... i regret what i did... if i had control over time... i'll rewind it back to the days when we thought nothing about boys and stress... like in year 8... but then of course... i won't have meet a couple of friends that i have now... people who are so kind and been such great friends...

i just received a sms from him saying "I LOVE YOU"... what' is going on? and then he says that it wasn't him... making up all this excuses to cover it up... is it really that bad to like you? he said that it was his friend, who he sent home, who played around with his phone and sent a ranodm sms... but what are the chances of sending it to me...? of all the people on his phone why me??? this is making it even harder...

i sometimes wonder to myself... why is there such a thing called love? what exactly is love? is love a deep connection that you have with someone? or... is it that you are willing to do anything for them even if it means death... or is that you feel this longing to be with the person whenever you're apart...? is it when your mind thinks nothing other than the other person? or just the thought of seperating with them makes you break down in tears and make your heart feel shattered... ???

right now...
"i feel like there's a blanket over my heart... trying to keep it strong... trying to wrap my heart up tighter... but the tighter i wrap up my heart... the more i feel like i'm dying... being suffocated by it..."

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