My life up to now...

I was talking to my friend on the internet about something that happened to me over the pass few months... I found that I actually felt better after talking to someone about it... I was so cooped up and so fusrated and so depressed, but now I feel as if a burdern has been taken off my back... So I've decided to talk about it on the net instead...

here it goes...

it all started in December 2005, exams were over, and we were out of school. At that time, I was still with my ex. One night, I was bored so I decided to talk to an old friend that I hadn't talked to for a long long time... We started to talk every other night and soon every single night...

soon he was going on a trip with a couple of other friends for leavers... We still talked quite a lot but not every night as either him or I would be busy with something else... One night when I was talking to him, he must have been really tired or something but then I was pretty sure I heard him say "I miss you." I was like is he talking to me...? But he fell asleep and my bestfriend's boyfriend picked up the phone and said that he needed to sleep... so I left it at there... I didn't think that it was a big deal... Thought that maybe he must dreaming or sleep talking... But he wasn't...

when he came back from his trip, he was being really nice to me... But with occasional teasing... He got me a souvenior... a bar of margaret river white chocolate... i still wonder how he knew that i like white chocolate... one night while we were talking on the phone... he asked me about my current boyfriend... then i went on about asking him who he liked... and that he had to tell the truth... he told me from yr8 - yr 12... who he liked and who he went out with... i still reemeber the last thing he said... "and then you... until now"... i didn't know how to react as i never knew that he would a person like me... and that anything could ever happen between us... we seems so different... with different tastes and different attitudes...

soon, i started to like him more and more, he was too... he often said that he'll ask me out really soon... and planning on asking me out on the 1st of jan... but then thought about it and decided to pick a good number... i was feeling guilty as i was still had a boyfriend... and i was liking other guy more... this is how my longest realtionship ended... the break up was sad and depressing... i could actually hear his heart being teared up and picture him in tears... but life have to go on... and besides i have someone that i like...

we went on like this until mid jan... when he decided that he wants to really think it through whether he was really ready to start another relationship... as all his realtionship didn't end well... i thought about it and i said sure... i wasn't ready to go out with anyone myself... i didn't want to be a bitch and go out with someone else only after 1 month after the break up... we went out a couple of times... now my favourite place is a park by burswood... we spent the whole afternoon by the river watching the view, playing in the playground and playing games... it was a really fun day...

soon school has going to start, i asked him to come over the night before he had tafe... we sat there watching tv and enjoying each others' company... that was the night that he kissed me... this was also the night that i found out that he's ex has been calling him... he decided to make a joke... asking me to pick up the phone and say that i was his girlfriend and that he was sleeping... soon it was starting to get late, so i asked him to go bak home... as he had to wake up at 6 for tafe... he didn't want to go but i said that he had to... so he didn't persist on it and went home... i had university while he had tafe... but we were so caught up in our own lives that we started to talk less and never went out with each other for a long long time...

a while later things started to change... we started to talk less... sometimes every second night or sometimes we don't talk for days... he's attitude changed as well... he started to not care about anything that was happening... saying things like "if you want to think it that way" or "i didn't say it you said it"... he used to argue and say no... that's not right... soon he start to act really coldly to me... so i decided to call him up... but a girl picked up the phone... she said that he was at the moives and that he left his phone there... i started to have second thoughts... is did he get this girl to do the same thing that he got me to do to his ex? maybe he doesn't like me anymore... with him acting so cold and many other factors... i was thinking that my worst nightmare had come true...

i decided to give him a call the next night... he said that we went to go watch moives with his friends and that he forgot his phone and had to go pick it up... on this same night, he told me that he decided that he felt better being by himself and that he'll think of something for the better of the both of us... i was devestated... he was giving up everything that we had? he called up a few days later and said it'd be better if we were friends... i didn't know how to accept it... and i tried to ask him what happened but he said he didn't know... my cousin knew about what was happening so i confided in her... she got angry and talked to him about it... i found out through this that it was because of my ex... apparently the two of them are really good friends... but i don't think so...

frist of all, the two of haven't met up for few months... secondly, apparently he was meant to visit my ex a few months back but he hasn't even talk to him for ages as well... i felt really down... i regretted my whole life what i did and everything... that going out with him was a mistake... in a way it was true... i didn't exactly say that i'll go out with him... he just assumed that we were... and i didn't want to upset him... i really want to be with him but because i went out with his friend... he can't betray one of his friends... but he should have tolded me that from the very start...

and now... i'm sitting here... thinking about what i did... maybe this was meant to happen... maybe this can give me a better view of the person i want to be around me...? either way... i'm still finding it hard for me to accecpt this and to talk about it with someone else is really hard for me... i always turn out to cry... i don't know what the future has held for me... but i really wish that nothing this hurtful will ever come across me again... i've decided to concentrate on my studies and when i've finally got a job and i'll go find someone who is right for me... someone who will be able to like me and really want to be with me... no matter what the consequence is... but how possible is this??? i really hope that i can do it one day... i know i won't be able to get over the guy i like tonight but i will eventually pick myself up and be stronger than how i was before...