my makeover...

last night... i dyed my hair... to this "flash golden brown" color... pretty cool aye??? i'm hoping that if i change everything about me... when i look into the mirror i will no longer see the person who likes 'the guy' i know this can't be done but it's a start... well i feel completely different but yet feel so empty inside... the past week have been horribly wrong...

the guy gave me a call on monday... we talked... but after awhile into the conversation... i was shaking... i don't know why but my whole body was trembling... i was so scared and frighten... i didn't know what to do... and for the whole call i didn't talk much... just replied back he's questions... i feel so bad... he took the effort( i think it would take effort to call someone you rejected, right?) to call me... and i didn't seem like i wanted to talk to him...

well my best friend broke up with her bf and that's when all the emotions came back to me... how much pain she must be going through, how much she reflected me!!! well looking at her like this reminded me about how much i miss him... and i started to think about him again... well the good part is that my best friend and her bf got back together... the bad part is I AM STILL THINKING ABOUT HIM...

i really do miss him. thoughts that keep running through my mind
- what he's doing
- and who's he out with
- what might he be wearing
- what did he do
- is he going to talk to me
- is he going out with that girl
- does he still like me
- why is he putting me through this pain
- i knew from the start that we could never be, but i wanted to give it a shot anyways... but why am i so upset about it???

well i was hoping to go to the party tonight so i could see him... but i'm afraid of what might happen so i chicken out...

and yet even more dreams...

erm... this was my dream from last wed (tuesday night)...

i had two adpoted sister (who were black)... but we were all so close and so happy... they were about 12-15 y.o... i was meant to meet up with my ex for breakfast... so i rushed to go meet him... the place we lived was on top of some cafe thingy... when we(me and my ex) walked passed... we decided that we shall have our breakfast here, after going to the markets... we went to the markets and then came back to the cafe to have breakfast... but when we got to the cafe... i saw the guy!!!! omg... and the wrost bit... he was having breakfast with this other girl... i was so depressed and heartbroken... and ran upstairs back home... *blur* we(me and the guy) was talking and chatting having breakfast... we were so happy talking and laughing together... but then (i think it 12pm), he said he had to go... he had to go drop of the girl to work... and (i know i sound abit unreasonable) i was angry at him.. i got depressed and upset again...

what's with the dreams with 'the guy'??? omg... my life is being turned upside down all over again.. i thought that i had forgotten him and moved on... but i guess not...

Your Japanese Name Is...

Nanako Kaoin

What's" your Japanese Name?

Your Eyes Should Be Violet

Your eyes reflect: Mystery and allure What's hidden behind your eyes: A quiet passion

What Color Should Your Eyes Be?

Your Famous Last Words Will Be:

"I can pass this guy."

What Will Your Famous Last Words Be?

You Are Animal

A complete lunatic, you're operating on 100% animal instincts.You thrive on uncontrolled energy, and you're downright scary.But you sure can beat a good drum."Kill! Kill!"

The Muppet Personality Test

You Are Marge Simpson

You're a devoted family member who loves unconditionally. Sometimes, though, you dream about living a wild secret life! You will be remembered for: your good cooking and evading the police Your life philosophy: "You should listen to your heart, and not the voices in your head."

The Simpsons Personality Test

Your Love Life Secrets Are

Looking back on your life, you will only have one true love. You've been deeply wounded in the past, and you're still recovering from that hurt. You prefer a quirky, unique person to be your lover. You're easy going about who you're with, as long as they love you back. In fights, you love to debate and defend yourself. You logic prevails - or at least you'd like to think so. A break-up usually comes as a shock to you. You always think things are going well.

Your Love Life Secrets, Revealed

You Are 60% Boyish and 40% Girlish

You are pretty evenly split down the middle - a total eunuch.Okay, kidding about the eunuch part. But you do get along with both sexes.You reject traditional gender roles. However, you don't actively fight them.You're just you. You don't try to be what people expect you to be.

How Boyish or Girlish Are You?

Your Five Variable Love Profile

Propensity for Monogamy: Your propensity for monogamy is medium.In general, you prefer to have only one love interest.But it's hard for you to stay devoted for too long!There's too much eye candy to keep you from wandering. Experience Level: Your experience level is high.You've loved, lost, and loved again.You have had a wide range of love experiences.And when the real thing comes along, you know it! Dominance: Your dominance is low.This doesn't mean you're a doormat, just balanced.You know a relationship is not about getting your way.And you love to give your sweetie a lot of freedom. Cynicism: Your cynicism is medium.You'd like to believe in true and everlasting love...But you've definitely been burned enough to know better.You're still an optimist, but you also are a realist. Independence: Your independence is high.You don't need to be in love, and sometimes you don't even want love.Having your own life is very important for you...Even more important than having a relationship.

The Five Variable Love Test

Your Personality Profile

You are pure, moral, and adaptable.You tend to blend into your surroundings.Shy on the outside, you're outspoken to your friends. You believe that you live a virtuous life...And you tend to judge others with a harsh eye.As a result, people tend to crave your approval.

The World's Shortest Personality Test

Your Scholastic Strength Is Evaluating

You are great at looking at many details and putting them all together.You are talented at detecting subtle trends, accuracy, and managing change. You should major in: StatisticsSpeechConflict studiesCommunicationFinanceMedicine

What Should You Major In?

What Your Face Says

At first glance, people see you as driven and ambitious. Overall, your true self is reserved and logical. With friends, you seem dramatic, lively, and quick to react. In love, you seem mysterious and interesting. In stressful situation, you seem like you're oblivious to the stress.

What Do People Think Of Your Face?

Your True Love Is a Taurus

Why you'll love a Taurus: Romantic and sentimental, a Taurus can provide you with the security you need.And you both share a fondness for the finest things, from great food to luxury vacations. Why a Taurus will love you: You have the honesty and direct approach that down to earth Taurus desires.And enough elegance to show a Taurus a few new decadent delights!

What Sign Is Your True Love?

Your Ideal Relationship is Marriage

You've dated enough to know what you want.And that's marriage - with the right person.You're serious about settling down some time soon.Even if you haven't met the person you want to get hitched to!

What's" Your Ideal Relationship?

Your Dating Purity Score: 72%

You are an under-experienced dater.This doesn't mean you're unexperienced - far from it.It just means that there's a lot of romance left to discover!

Dating Purity Test

You Have Low Self Esteem 52% of the Time

While you sometimes feel good about yourself, you tend to struggle a little with self esteem issues.It's not about changing who you are, it's about accepting your faults. You just need to be less critical and demanding of yourself!

How is Your Self Esteem?

DReaMz...

Sunday
i dreamt last night that i was walking along some path with lisa and behind trailing us was lak and some hot dude i've never seen before... lisa and i were walking and talking to each other... and then suddenly the super hot guy said "hey" and jumped out in front of us... he gave a big hint that he was interested... and that's when we (me and lisa) got tired of walking so we decided to go and sit down by on the picnic table... beofre this happen someone walking pass us said... "people often tend to take notice of your if you are seated a space away and opposite"... and this then explained why the guys were seating next to lisa... ahahaha... it was hilarious... but hopefully one day i get to meet up with this super hot guy... ahahaha... you'll never know what could happen...

Monday
i was sitting in a class... but not in a lecture hall but in like a normal high school class... next to the class was a swimming pool.... [don't ask me why there's a swimming pool next to the classroom] don't know what we were doing there... but we were like attending a reunion or something... i saw my ex walking into the class and taking his stuff and walking back out of the room... he was walking along side the pool when the guy[the guy who ive been talking about who broke my heart and blah blah blah...; he will be refered to now as the guy] jumped out of his seat and chased after my ex... everyone in the lcassroom was shocked... for some werid reason the guy jumped into the pool and started swimming towards my ex... the guy got out of the pool and started talking to my ex... there was a marker board next to them... and they were using it to write stuff... the whole class thought everything was alright... so we carried on with the lesson... after a while later... we heard shouting... the guy was getting frustrated and my ex and getting angry... they were shouting "why not?" "no"... it looked like they were both ready to fight... i was near the door[that's where our group was placed] and went to see what the comotion was about... they started to notice that everyone was looking at them and decided to move to another location to talk more about it... i was just in time to see the board... not to sure with what was on the board word for word... but reemember the word "prince for princess" for some reason i knew that princess was me... so it had something to do with me... to exchange me with someone else... so that i could be with the guy... i saw his face... really sad and unhappy and full of regret... i don't know what exactly happened but it was very scary...

anyone can analyse my dreams for me...?

GET OVER IT...!!!!

guys... guess what...? today at work... i was feeling very hertbroken... but then for some reason **tink tink** i was over him... omg... it was so suddnely... like in a split second i was over him... omg... it is the best feelings... anyways... dudettes... thanks for all your advice and help and support... I LOVE YOU GUYS HEAPS!!!

i found this site very... erm... how should i put it...? interesting...? and very exciting...? ahhhaa take a look...
www.tetris1d.org

why can i do...?

omg... what can i do...every single day has been like hell... everyday i wish i could just rewind time and continue it at the time when all this wasn't so complicating.... today i went to sleep and felt so good... i felt numb and i didn't exist anymore... i had no control over anything... and BEST of all i had no feelings... and when i my alarm went of... everything disappeared... it's sad i know... but how i hated my alarm and how sad i felt when i had to wake up and to feel like this pain and hate inside of me... i really dunno what to do anymore... this pain is taking me over all over again... and the worst part is i don't know how to deal with it once more... every night i practically cry myself to sleep... and wish that i could sleep forever... and never have to feel the pain... i've now decided that from now i will sleep earlier and let myself relax and maybe calm down over everything again... i made up a fight between us now... i feel so lost don't know what to do... the only thing that i've come up with is to make myself angry at him and so now i think he's feeling gulity [ that's if he has any feelings...] but i just can't get angry at him... everytime i try to feel angry at him... all the feelings of sadness comes back to me... do you know how it's like to not be able to do anything...? when you're said to have to faults in the matter but yet get pushed aside...? it's a horrible feeling... for now i don't even think that i can talk to him anymore... the more i get to talk to him... the sadder i become... i seem to be able to see him so happy... doing fine and so great without me.... and yet i'm here all by myself unable to go on...

what should i do...? HELP!!!!

[wishing to feel numbness everyday...]

how long more...?

it's hard to believe that it's been about 3 weeks since everything has been messed up... for me this past week has been hell... everyday i think about him, there's not a one day that i don't hink about him... being friends is so much harder than he thinks it will be... maybe easy for him cause he doesn't even like me any more... but for me... thinking about him and the times we shared... brings tears to my eyes...

sometimes i wonder to myself... why has this happened to me? did i do something wrong in my life... and now this is my punishment...? if it is... then i really feel sorry for my friend at work... she has loved this guy for 3 years straight and so far... he's cheated on her and broke up with her 3 times... and when she's get about to get over him... he comes back into her life and messes things up for her again... thinking about what she must have gone through compared to mine seems insignificant... like a pencil dot and a piece of A3 paper...

just talking to him... was like the highlight of the day... even though i got woken up by him... i still feel happy to be able to talk to him... but i'm afraid if i do start talking to him again... all these feelings might slowly come back and haunt me... i'm really scared of getting hurt by guys again... this reminds me of how my ex might feel... i feel so sorry... i regret what i did... if i had control over time... i'll rewind it back to the days when we thought nothing about boys and stress... like in year 8... but then of course... i won't have meet a couple of friends that i have now... people who are so kind and been such great friends...

i just received a sms from him saying "I LOVE YOU"... what' is going on? and then he says that it wasn't him... making up all this excuses to cover it up... is it really that bad to like you? he said that it was his friend, who he sent home, who played around with his phone and sent a ranodm sms... but what are the chances of sending it to me...? of all the people on his phone why me??? this is making it even harder...

i sometimes wonder to myself... why is there such a thing called love? what exactly is love? is love a deep connection that you have with someone? or... is it that you are willing to do anything for them even if it means death... or is that you feel this longing to be with the person whenever you're apart...? is it when your mind thinks nothing other than the other person? or just the thought of seperating with them makes you break down in tears and make your heart feel shattered... ???

right now...
"i feel like there's a blanket over my heart... trying to keep it strong... trying to wrap my heart up tighter... but the tighter i wrap up my heart... the more i feel like i'm dying... being suffocated by it..."