why can i do...?

omg... what can i do...every single day has been like hell... everyday i wish i could just rewind time and continue it at the time when all this wasn't so complicating.... today i went to sleep and felt so good... i felt numb and i didn't exist anymore... i had no control over anything... and BEST of all i had no feelings... and when i my alarm went of... everything disappeared... it's sad i know... but how i hated my alarm and how sad i felt when i had to wake up and to feel like this pain and hate inside of me... i really dunno what to do anymore... this pain is taking me over all over again... and the worst part is i don't know how to deal with it once more... every night i practically cry myself to sleep... and wish that i could sleep forever... and never have to feel the pain... i've now decided that from now i will sleep earlier and let myself relax and maybe calm down over everything again... i made up a fight between us now... i feel so lost don't know what to do... the only thing that i've come up with is to make myself angry at him and so now i think he's feeling gulity [ that's if he has any feelings...] but i just can't get angry at him... everytime i try to feel angry at him... all the feelings of sadness comes back to me... do you know how it's like to not be able to do anything...? when you're said to have to faults in the matter but yet get pushed aside...? it's a horrible feeling... for now i don't even think that i can talk to him anymore... the more i get to talk to him... the sadder i become... i seem to be able to see him so happy... doing fine and so great without me.... and yet i'm here all by myself unable to go on...

what should i do...? HELP!!!!

[wishing to feel numbness everyday...]